Make Way for Crumnox!

from Our Dumb Universe, Part 1 by Podmusical

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lyrics

4.1 Make Way for Crumnox!

CRUMNOX
Don’t ‘right but’ me! I AM THE CRUMNOX!
(Sings.)
The Trogus would be naught
If we had not attained the thought
Quite early off what commerce offered us
The promise of a bottomless
Extravagance and Tactfulness
To Rise above the Average
Races you might find

I am the eminent example
Of our species’ chosen mantel
Unafraid to take a gamble
In the chase of all gains ample
Leveraging our profits with
No reverence of Tolerance
For those of poorer mind

The earnings I’ve been turning
In the service of our flourishing
Empire’s evident
So when I grant a visit formal
Expect I am deserving
Of a little more respect!

I am the richest of the Crumnox
Don’t act dumb-nox, move your buttocks!
I’m the summit of abundance
Blast the trumpets, rouse these bumpkins

Make way for the Cumnox!
Give a cheer! I am here.

FLOGUS
Yes all that - but, at this current moment I am the only-

CRUMNO
Do pardon while you chattered
I engaged in larger matters
Traded Saturn for some atoms
That I flipped for several gases
Fed rumors to the rabble
Worked the market to a later
And came out with 20 suns!

See, the secret, I’ve determined
Is that nothing’s truly worthless:
You can mine it, skin it’s surface
Put it’s people into service
Throw the rest into the the furnace
Sell the product for a surplus
And purchase once again!

All matter is commodity -
Be’t rocketry or colony,
All meat becomes a meal!
All things are merely property
Their novelty’ll fetch a fee
If you can work the deal!

So while we’ve conversate’d
Sold the time you kept me waiting
Inflated it and traded it
For some trumpets - here start playing’m!

Make way for the Crumnox!
Give a cheer!
I am here!

FLOGUS
How - what?? I don’t know how to play these! Listen, I’m trying to tell you - even if I wanted to-

CRUMNOX
You vermin! Can’t you listen?
All my time that you’ve been given
For the visit to this prison
In this distant, driveling system
Is a treasure simply glistening
I should charge a commission
For the privilege of all that you might learn!

I don’t just offer such an honor
To any sort of pauper
Unless I can hope to prosper
Time is money, fill the coffer,
or else sir, you are a robber!
At the very least a bother
With a hubris yet unearned…

If your credit is in deficit
This conversation’s ended
I’ve just no time for you
But turn your losses into profit
Let’s get talking - name the topic!
There’s just so much we can do!

Time is money and I’m lending
So why are you the one that’s spending
All my patience? Are we done yet?
Times a wasting, sound those trumpets!

Make way for the Crumnox!
Give a cheer! I am here!

Your lesson’s done
Now sound the drums
Announce that I’ve de-spaced
The sooner we do,
The sooner it’s thru
And I’ll leave this wretched place

I am the richest of the Crumnox
Don’t act dumb-nox, move your buttocks!
I’m the summit of abundance
Blast the trumpets, rouse these bumpkins

Make way for the Cumnox!
Give a cheer! I am here.