NARRATOR Oh hello there, what’s that? You want a story? Something real and true, but perhaps, too, allegory? Oh well, let me see, let me see, let me have a drink And think up a story worth your time - let me think- Ah! I’ve got it, and it’s got it all! A hero and prophecy, a warning, a fall A promise, a history - hidden, but crucial And a secret you’ll never guess - though maybe you will I think you look smart, I mean, you came here to me When you needed some fun - that’s as smart as can be. So what do you say? Let me lay out the scene Let’s start at the beginning, the best place to begin: Born beneath a lard-shaped star The moon was in the House of Starch (The house, by far, the fattest - Like being born in a fry basket) His mother labored in great pain 16 lbs, this fellow weighed And his eyes shown like a grease stain Skin glowed like a casserole fresh made His mama named him Golden George Papa Scumptious was overjoyed Said “we’ll call him GG for short.” He was in the kitchen by age two Cooking breast milk cheese fondu Had his mama spooked - but one taste she knew: Her boy cooked naturally Over time his talents grew And his confidence grew too Said he would shape the world of food, Fast and Casually. He sang: GOLDEN GEORGE My gifts know no restraints Soon all the world will know my name My gift to all shall be An escape from drudgery Via culinary artistry. NARRATOR So how do you like him? Guess he’s our hero The boy with a wish and a gift… and an ego. But this amico was on to somethin’ - The world is bitter and cold and troublin’ But nothing’s so warm as something straight out the oven And filling you up and giving you comfort Adjusting your dials and pushing all your right buttons. So why not toot his honker when he’s so much to offer? Food and drink HEAL - and this boy was a doctor But he needed more than a gift or a wish He needed more than an ego - he needed a DISH. GOLDEN GEORGE It’s time to make my fortune So let the world prepare I’ll save their mouths from boredom All other chefs beware! I’ll keep the oil flowing I’ll keep the oven hot I’ll find the dish that shows them What I’ve got! Yeah! Teryaki steak tips! Buttered sweetbread fries Cheese-laced onion blossom Ranch on the side Now, here’s my masterpiece! It’s Piled high with 7 cheeses What taste, what artistry Baked Macaroni - I’m a genius! NARRATOR And though it sounds simple, and maybe you laugh That macaroni pasta put GG on the map That macaroni pasta was better than yours by half His use of thousand island dressing WAS astounding Over seven layers of cheeses, french AND italian And one that might be Russian but ain’t NO body telling Mm mm! See, the recipe’s a secret, and GG’s smart to keep it Cuz everyone wanted what that bastard was selling The momentum of this dish on every wish list Was enough to propel him to the highest echelon Of chef’s and give him what they all were eyeing: FRANCHISING! But as GG sat in his kitchen, in Centralia New Jersey Sizing up contracts, showered in glory He felt a worry, an itch left un scratched He was lost in the dark, lost his spark, all seemed black. Something ached in his twice baked heart Tho his macaroni was a work of art All that work felt artless heartless See, at the top, the drop’s all you got left Now, his hostess was a beauty queen Named Melanie Marie Manzine Triple M saw GG’s depression And so she pulled him near to tell him: TRIPLE M “I watched you build this place - The joy that played across your face. Why not give everyone A taste thereof Fill your menu with that joy and fun.” GOLDEN GEORGE Fun? Yeah, NARRATOR thought GG, GOLDEN GEORGE that’s the one! The ingredient I had, but since had shunned I’ve been so high on my own hot air I’ve lost the fun that got me there. Food should always be fun! It’s entertainment for tongues! That was obvious once But I was blind I was dumb As to what I’d become! Goodbye to former pursuits! Better to give and include! Without further ado, I present you A place where the food can always lighten the mood The all new GG Scrumptious, where fun is always on the menu! NARRATOR Well, you can guess what happened next Oh, you can’t? Well here it is: GG rethought the plot of his vocation He let go of the top and focused on elation The silly joy and fun of stuffing your face and Drinking your weight in Milkshakes and When his restaurant reopened after a short renovation It was a success! He was met with adulation, And opened up franchises in 7000 plus locations! GOLDEN GEORGE GG Scrumptious, where fun is always on the menu! NARRATOR And he married his muse! Yes he truly fell for That clever, wild woman who’d been running the door. Triple M and double G had their lives intertwined By a wild west rabbi named Tex Rubenstein Beneath a papermache macaroni In the most beautiful mixed-denominational ceremony GOLDEN GEORGE Finally everything is right I love my work, I love my wife This is more than I ever could have hoped for TRIPLE M [Crying] GOLDEN GEORGE What’s this? My love, why do you cry? Tell me and I will make it right! There is no worry we’ve in sight TRIPLE M “GG, I’m pregnant!” NARRATOR What? You don’t feel the tension? Yes of course a child’s a blessing It’s just - oh, I get the impression You’re missing a key component to our hero’s depression. So, for a second let’s leave the present. It’s time for a little history lesson… Long ago when the world was young When the restaurant game had not yet begun Casual eateries didn’t exist And the only fast food was that you couldn’t catch If early man sought something good to eat (yeah!) He’d best fall down on his knees and pray to the gods of drink and feast. It was the perfect way, And would still be today, but… A lesser god of feast was this gal Edesia Ha - your face betrays you never heard the name. You missed nothing if you never met her Though she thought she was an up and comer in game She made a plan to be The greatest god of food and drink in history She’d show humans the holy ways And thus secure their love and praise Till the end of days Well she didn’t wait more than a thousand years When a man hit bottom and her chance appeared A failing chef named Ray of the Romulus line Stumbled in and begged at the foot of her shrine He wanted fame and a chance to succeed He was a fine mix of talent and greed She saw her play And she didn’t delay Gave him a vision: Her, descending on the gravy rain. The salty brown drops Washed his pain away And she offered him the deal That saw the world changed In her vision, she said to him: EDESIA “Oh Ray unknown, how your talent and your pallet go to waste As well you know, Gods tip the balance, and in their talons grip your fate In this market how can you make Your name known? Oh no! But I’ve a deal that, if you should take, Your fame will grow, and grow, and grow! I see your wonder, see the hunger in your eyes With my secrets you’ll stun ‘em be their culinary prize All that I charge of you Is never have a child - your praise alone is mine Yes, no children shall you bear Though many will you claim as hairs in time Yes the king of food for all your days The people will taste and they will praise O’er all you’ll reign, you’ll not be done You’ll rise so long as the sun has rays You’ll rise so long as the sun has rays You’ll rise so long as the sun has rays And only set when the Rays have son.” NARRATOR You’ll rise so long as the sun has rays And only set when the Rays have son. Well Ray thought that sounded mighty fair - A heavenly answer to his despair. He bowed in praise, swore his faith blindly Which, for gods, is legally binding Ran down to town to his deep fried peacock eye food cart In an hour he’d sold out, he was the talk of the town, his food a work of art! And it grew and it grew and it grew and it grew And Ray learned the secret that the Gods all knew And he used them to create a new empire Food that’s fun served fast, with cheer Paired with a casual atmosphere Fills all with food, yes, true, but too - delight! People could not get enough They came to get their faces stuffed How nice! … for Ray… The gods of food and drink were forgot Edesia too, it seems her plot Backfired. And Ray looked down over all he commanded By his death, to 1042 locations had he expanded And as the ages changed, so did Ray’s descendants menus As they took the empire to new, exciting venues The Visigoth Grill, Crusader’s Crudo Pita the Great, Dynasty Noodles The Original Scythian Style Pub Bennigans, Arby’s and Stubbie’s Subs Mongol Flay It Yourself Easy Horse And on and on til present day, of course. And the most powerful chain on down that line Was the Ray’s Pizza Franchise Featuring Real Ray’s, Original Ray’s, Real Original Ray’s Famous Ray’s, Infamous Ray’s and Ray’s of other Names From the first Ray’s cart, this chain had continued And you could still order peacock eyes off the secret menu. And they ruled all the franchises with an iron fist Ah - but how did Ray’s have heirs, if Ray’s never did have kids…? Listen to this: Oh it was all part of Edesia’s promise Which was so poorly thought out it was almost comic The contract was written up by the best lawyer of the time Marcus Legislatus, and the print was very fine As his wife had written it all by hand And Marcus had married the most beautiful cricket in all the land! But we don’t have time for that part! What matters is the deal at this vile contract’s heart: The Ray to Play Stipulation… …which stated That any chain restaurant whose owner mated Forfeited their first born child to the Rays Or they handed in their restaurants - either way, they all paid. And the chains turned over became the Ray’s And the children turned over - well, the Ray’s they became Many chains tried to avoid this doom: Ray Kroc hid his son in a Grimace costume Papa John put Baby John in a basket of reeds Dave Thomas sent Wendy to live in a tree But each was found out, and each child was claimed And through old, evil magic, was changed to a Ray… Mama chef, papa chef, RUN! Hide your child away. Look how the Rays come, on the 5th birthday of, Oh!, what you most love, they’re gonna take away, and, Oh!, what you most love -They’re gonna make a Ray. They’ll file in, eat up all that you’ve got And you must feed them your best - whether you wanna or not. Then when they’re done - oh! - that’s when you give ‘em either The first child of your blood, or all of your franchises All that you’ve built, oh!, is it worth the pain Worth all the guilt - oh - to see your child a Ray? Many parents chose of course their child to keep But many a chef was overcome with greed And that’s how the Rays stayed on top of the game And that about brings us up to date. So now you may be keen To the fear that chilled GG When Mel Said that she was with son… All he’d made, all he’d created Was to crumble lest he gave their Son… What was to be done… GOLDEN GEORGE My dear please dry your tears You’ve nought to fear for our son’s life… Let the Rays take all I’ve made, I promise I won’t contemplate The trade of child for franchise… NARRATOR Well, Triple M was overjoyed But you and me, we know our boy GG’s not the sort To sell himself short He doesn’t give - he takes! And he’d fight, he might even tempt fate… Sure he’d changed his ways, But to give up everything he’d made?? it- Was a thought that repulsed him, everything he hated. Well GG Jr came short months later And his parents love - well, it couldn’t have been greater And though GG’d been conflicted on what was to be done. He’d greatly underestimated how much he’d love his son. GOLDEN GEORGE Feel how his smile calms me See how his hands are strong He’ll be flipping frying pans before too long! God, he’s such a nat’ral! See him with that spatula! One day all that I’ve made will be… no… NARRATOR Yes… And two weeks before lil G turned 5 A letter came in the mail, said “It’s Time. We march your way in 14 days. Prepare our feast. Signed, the Rays.” Outside there was a storm, but there was a knock at the door GG turned and saw dripping on his floor A chef, clad all in mauve How’d the man get inside? GG worried this was bad But the chef simply smiled and acted as if he had All the answers in the world. And GG eased, suddenly calm. He offered the Mauve Chef a drink, but then the chef dropped a bomb: He looked GG in the eye And the Mauve Chef said: MAUVE CHEF “I can save your son Save all that you’ve done But you must be brave, No matter the pain And do as I say.” To be continued…

FIRST LADIES First Things First First Things First First Things First JACKIE O Stop! First thing: I’m not a presidential wife MARY TODD Got my own story, my own life DOLLY Behind most successful men is ALL A badass rolling her eyes JACKIE But people need me in that pair LUCY For the free me they’re unprepared MARY TODD Beware! DOLLY They scared FIRST LADIES I’ll I’ll I’ll I’ll! DOLLY Save all the shit when the White House burns LUCY Write your dumb speech cuz you’re bad at words JACKIE Just for a joke, when you have a stroke JACKIE AND MARY TODD Gonna run this country, it’s my turn, JACKIE But FIRST LADIES First Things First First Things First First Things First First Things First Ladies! First Things First Ladies! First Things First First Things First Ladies! First Things First JACKIE But that was then and this is now LUCY Same old ladies whole new POW DOLLY Look out. MARY TODD We bout it. DOLLY AND MARY TODD If you like we’ll show you how. JACKIE Rocket boots and eyes that glow We got the upgrade 2.0 LUCY You beat us? MARY TODD Don’t joke us! LUCY You hope-luss - LUCY / DOLLY / MARY TODD We FLOTUS! JACKIE Metal skin un-dent-able, Elasto arms, extendible Making all the boys expendable-ah! FIRST LADIES Ah! Ah! Ah! JACKIE But- FIRST LADIES First Things First Ladies First Things First Ooo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo Ah! First Things First Ladies First Things First! First Things First Ladies First Things First!

BRUSHEE If you think you were chosen then you might be wrong If you think you’re original, you’re likely not When you think you’re the star, you prob’ly just walked on And ruined everything. Cuz the world isn’t looking for a lone upstart Each tooth is a tool and we must do our part It’s the fool who assumes that he can do it all Then ruins everything. FUZZO So maybe you’re not savior-like But every entree needs a special side! And seeeee: They prophesized a child of the Sunshine Line would save the world and they were right! It’s just me! So don’t blame addition if the math is wrong And claim there’s no winning just because you lost Go Counting all your chickens when the eggs are all You’ve ever had a chance to see Cuz you never really know! No you never really know! Look at me - I’m on the throne! And everyone you’ve ever trusted is dead! So, if you think you were chosen then you might be right! Or… in your case it definitely might backfire But brother don’t you worry - just stick by my side You’ll feel better when you help me lead! BRUSHEE What? FUZZO Some fuzzatronic implants, you’ll be my second in command! See us there! BRUSHEE Mother’s never gonna- FUZZO Brushee, once you’re fuzzy no one’s Gonna care! Then we’ll fin’ly get to be, the family we were meant to be Ruling over all that we see! BRUSHEE Brother, that will never be, I can’t forsake what I believe The Ur Tooth has plans yet for me! FUZZO What does that even mean? You can’t still be a slave to these- Your broken god and broken prophecy! Let them go! Cuz you never really know! But I guess I really know In my case we really know! The future’s fuzz, the chosen one is me! BRUSHEE If you think you’ve been chosen then you might be wrong FUZZO If you’re anyone but me, I’d say the odds ARE long… BOTH If I sound crazy, know it’s just because I’ve seen things you haven’t yet seen! Maybe soon you’ll come to agree.

DR LU When I was a boy, my father - ever prudential - Gopt me a job down at the expo center Said “Learn to make some cash and find a passion That can get you paid.” First day on the job, I was sweeping the halls When they paraded in, tails, whiskers and all For three days and two nights, Furry Con changed my life Rocked my smooth teenage body awake! For that long weekend, I touched heaven and I touched myself Beautiful furry creatures, rabbits, giraffes and gazelles Sure they were costumes but I swore I’d make it real someday! I was gonna be Furry! Furry forever! On this fur-ney No matter the effort! Short or curly! I’d settle for whatever I could! How could I be, Furry? Furry forever! Obsessed and burning (Brning with fury) I was coming untethered Living this boring Furry life deferred The years went on and I almost gave up on my dreams When the bomb dropped, it turned everyone furry but me It wasn’t fair! Furry’s all I ever wanted to be! But then I found a way to be furry every day! They told me it was possible, and probably safe A simple procedure where they peel off my skin. And All I had to do was give them you! I was like, sure! Now I can be Furry! Furry forever! Oh the glory! All I wanted forever Was to be furry Furry for all of my days! Now I’m gonna be Furry! Forever forever I’ll be purring Wrapped in elegant pleasure Sing my story Show the children there is a way! To be Furry! Furry forever!

SONDRA To celebrate the date of the nation’s founding They wanted something astounding To make the country believe Displays and rides stirring pride in the minds of the children And as a girl watched them build it Their designs shaped her dreams They planned A rocket ride so high you could see all of America A ferris cube so fast you could puke back in time a fun house so fun it left it’s victims hysterical A fully automated rotunda of the president’s wives It was the Bicentralia ‘stravagalia - a Faire for all time Such a patriotic bacchanalia, joyful and bright A treat for all, a feat of technological might And when the girl saw, she heard the call, she felt it inside - inspired and alive! She knew she too should be building wondrous creations Engineering bright lifelike automations She studied hard, “by god” she swore She’d build machines like never seen before! Oh oh oh! That was a different time, in a different world And though the dreams were large, the funding never emerged The faire grounds were closed, a half finished wreck The girl went on with her life, but with a part of her dead The work she did was so dull, and paid her half that a man Until the bomb was dropped and the world went… Soft. Whoa-oh oh oh. In the camps, they would stamp out any will for the living So in secret for children The girl built robots of lint The joy from these toys breathed life into a new resistance And for the first time in ages She felt the call she once did To inspire those who’ve lost their hope and make them believe By building dynamos and cool robo-killing machines To split the fuzz’d at their seams! And so they killed their guards and they broke the gates Disapeared in the night to fight another day And the girl returned to the abandoned park Where so long ago she’d felt that first spark She would do the same, she’d inspire the world Remind us what we were like and why we fight the Furred But most of all, she’d do it for that little girl.

VALBORG What Is Greenland? What Is Greenland?? What Is Greenland??? Why does nobody know?? An inuit majority with Danish authority Tho home rule was awarded here in ’79 An autonomous constituent country which exists within Denmark, yes, dependent - but less so all the time. We are a parliamentary representative democracy Autonomous on policy, save foreign affairs What’s so hard for you to figure out? I don’t see what’s to fuss about - From the top of Uummannaq hear me shout: (YOO-man-ock) This Is Greenland! This Is Greenland! What Is Greenland? Come on! How can nobody know! I get there’s not a lot of us, sure - we’re hardly populous - But if you get to know us, know there’s plenty to like! We’re the world’s largest island, growing ever self-reliant A Hydro-powered giant, tied to the earth for all time. We’re the people of the land and ocean, heritage remains unbroken Kayaking and harpoon throwing - still without peer! Of the past and of the present, our culture’s hyper-relevant So get why I lament when I hear: Oh is that like, Iceland? NO. It’s fine if you can’t pronounce Kalaallit Nunaat Just call us Greenland - land where cold stuff’s pretty hot! We will not be forgotten - Can you hear the reindeer calling? Greenland! This is Greenland! Frozen Eden! It’s a feeling That you oughta Know! Don’t call us Iceland! That isn’t nice, man! Yes, this is Greenland! Why does nobody Why does nobody Why does nobody know?

HUPHELUMPHUGUS Plush love Plush love It’s soft But tough When you’re weak, When you need- It’s plush love I see The truth There’s good In you How it shines In your button eyes Your plush love You needn’t carry all that load Our cotton cleans so easily Just wash on delicate, tumble low Become the monster that you want to be Plush love, In my arms You’re safe From harm As you are As you want My plush love Plush love Plush love Take all I’ve got When you need See who I see: My plush love Say you will Say you will For Plush love.

The people whisper there’s a monster among us! A lethal mutant and he’s coming to much us! Whoa-ohoh! Whoa-oa-oh, oh-oh! Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah! His felt is peeling and his fur’s in tatters His pinions: nihilistic on near all matters Oh no! Whoa-oh-oh! Oh, oh…. Beware the Atrocity! He comes in the night! Up from the Sewers And out for a bite Lock all your doors If you value your life Oh-oh-oh! They say he was a fleshy spy! For fur he traded in his kind! Spurned, now he years for us to die! People disappearing in the dark of night A pile of yarn is all that’s left behind! The sun is going down Something evil’s lurking round! Beware the Atrocity! He comes in the night! Stalking the shadows He’ll give you a fright! Then he’ll give you a bad case Of bitey-bite-bite! Oh-oh-oh! Oh-oh-oh! Last night at the museum he struck again! The night fuzz men torn limb from limb! Movie goers mangled in the dark Lovers disemboweled nuzzling in the park Oh no! Oh! Beware the Atrocity! He comes in the night! All that we know Is that he fears the light! If we band together We’ll give him a fight! Oh-NOOOO Beware the Atrocity! Forget what we said! Our torches were useless So many are dead The streets running crimson with buckets of thread! Oh-oh Beware the Atrocity! He kills in the night! Inhuman ferocity! Unfuzzable might! Belay curiosity - Just run for your life! Oh-oh-oh oh!