NARRATOR

Oh hello there, what’s that? You want a story?

Something real and true, but perhaps, too, allegory?

Oh well, let me see, let me see, let me have a drink

And think up a story worth your time - let me think-

Ah! I’ve got it, and it’s got it all!

A hero and prophecy, a warning, a fall

A promise, a history - hidden, but crucial

And a secret you’ll never guess - though maybe you will

I think you look smart, I mean, you came here to me

When you needed some fun - that’s as smart as can be.

So what do you say? Let me lay out the scene

Let’s start at the beginning, the best place to begin:

Born beneath a lard-shaped star

The moon was in the House of Starch

(The house, by far, the fattest -

Like being born in a fry basket)

His mother labored in great pain

16 lbs, this fellow weighed

And his eyes shown like a grease stain

Skin glowed like a casserole fresh made

His mama named him Golden George

Papa Scumptious was overjoyed

Said “we’ll call him GG for short.”

He was in the kitchen by age two

Cooking breast milk cheese fondu

Had his mama spooked - but one taste she knew:

Her boy cooked naturally

Over time his talents grew

And his confidence grew too

Said he would shape the world of food,

Fast and Casually.

He sang:

GOLDEN GEORGE

My gifts know no restraints

Soon all the world will know my name

My gift to all shall be

An escape from drudgery

Via culinary artistry.

NARRATOR

So how do you like him? Guess he’s our hero

The boy with a wish and a gift… and an ego.

But this amico was on to somethin’ -

The world is bitter and cold and troublin’

But nothing’s so warm as something straight out the oven

And filling you up and giving you comfort

Adjusting your dials and pushing all your right buttons.

So why not toot his honker when he’s so much to offer?

Food and drink HEAL - and this boy was a doctor

But he needed more than a gift or a wish

He needed more than an ego - he needed a DISH.

GOLDEN GEORGE

It’s time to make my fortune

So let the world prepare

I’ll save their mouths from boredom

All other chefs beware!

I’ll keep the oil flowing

I’ll keep the oven hot

I’ll find the dish that shows them

What I’ve got! Yeah!

Teryaki steak tips!

Buttered sweetbread fries

Cheese-laced onion blossom

Ranch on the side

Now, here’s my masterpiece! It’s

Piled high with 7 cheeses

What taste, what artistry

Baked Macaroni - I’m a genius!

NARRATOR

And though it sounds simple, and maybe you laugh

That macaroni pasta put GG on the map

That macaroni pasta was better than yours by half

His use of thousand island dressing WAS astounding

Over seven layers of cheeses, french AND italian

And one that might be Russian but ain’t NO body telling

Mm mm!

See, the recipe’s a secret, and GG’s smart to keep it

Cuz everyone wanted what that bastard was selling

The momentum of this dish on every wish list

Was enough to propel him to the highest echelon

Of chef’s and give him what they all were eyeing:

FRANCHISING!

But as GG sat in his kitchen, in Centralia New Jersey

Sizing up contracts, showered in glory

He felt a worry, an itch left un scratched

He was lost in the dark, lost his spark, all seemed black.

Something ached in his twice baked heart

Tho his macaroni was a work of art

All that work felt artless heartless

See, at the top, the drop’s all you got left

Now, his hostess was a beauty queen

Named Melanie Marie Manzine

Triple M saw GG’s depression

And so she pulled him near to tell him:

TRIPLE M

“I watched you build this place -

The joy that played across your face.

Why not give everyone

A taste thereof

Fill your menu with that joy and fun.”

GOLDEN GEORGE

Fun? Yeah,

NARRATOR

thought GG,

GOLDEN GEORGE

that’s the one!

The ingredient I had, but since had shunned

I’ve been so high on my own hot air

I’ve lost the fun that got me there.

Food should always be fun!

It’s entertainment for tongues!

That was obvious once

But I was blind I was dumb

As to what I’d become!

Goodbye to former pursuits!

Better to give and include!

Without further ado, I present you

A place where the food can always lighten the mood

The all new GG Scrumptious, where fun is always on the menu!

NARRATOR

Well, you can guess what happened next

Oh, you can’t? Well here it is:

GG rethought the plot of his vocation

He let go of the top and focused on elation

The silly joy and fun of stuffing your face and

Drinking your weight in

Milkshakes and

When his restaurant reopened after a short renovation

It was a success! He was met with adulation,

And opened up franchises in 7000 plus locations!

GOLDEN GEORGE

GG Scrumptious, where fun is always on the menu!

NARRATOR

And he married his muse! Yes he truly fell for

That clever, wild woman who’d been running the door.

Triple M and double G had their lives intertwined

By a wild west rabbi named Tex Rubenstein

Beneath a papermache macaroni

In the most beautiful mixed-denominational ceremony

GOLDEN GEORGE

Finally everything is right

I love my work, I love my wife

This is more than I ever could have hoped for

TRIPLE M

[Crying]

GOLDEN GEORGE

What’s this? My love, why do you cry?

Tell me and I will make it right!

There is no worry we’ve in sight

TRIPLE M

“GG, I’m pregnant!”

NARRATOR

What? You don’t feel the tension?

Yes of course a child’s a blessing

It’s just - oh, I get the impression

You’re missing a key component to our hero’s depression.

So, for a second let’s leave the present.

It’s time for a little history lesson…

Long ago when the world was young

When the restaurant game had not yet begun

Casual eateries didn’t exist

And the only fast food was that you couldn’t catch

If early man sought something good to eat (yeah!)

He’d best fall down on his knees and pray to the gods of drink and feast.

It was the perfect way,

And would still be today, but…

A lesser god of feast was this gal Edesia

Ha - your face betrays you never heard the name.

You missed nothing if you never met her

Though she thought she was an up and comer in game

She made a plan to be

The greatest god of food and drink in history

She’d show humans the holy ways

And thus secure their love and praise

Till the end of days

Well she didn’t wait more than a thousand years

When a man hit bottom and her chance appeared

A failing chef named Ray of the Romulus line

Stumbled in and begged at the foot of her shrine

He wanted fame and a chance to succeed

He was a fine mix of talent and greed

She saw her play

And she didn’t delay

Gave him a vision:

Her, descending on the gravy rain.

The salty brown drops

Washed his pain away

And she offered him the deal

That saw the world changed

In her vision, she said to him:

EDESIA

“Oh Ray unknown, how your talent and your pallet go to waste

As well you know, Gods tip the balance, and in their talons grip your fate

In this market how can you make

Your name known? Oh no!

But I’ve a deal that, if you should take,

Your fame will grow, and grow, and grow!

I see your wonder, see the hunger in your eyes

With my secrets you’ll stun ‘em be their culinary prize

All that I charge of you

Is never have a child - your praise alone is mine

Yes, no children shall you bear

Though many will you claim as hairs in time

Yes the king of food for all your days

The people will taste and they will praise

O’er all you’ll reign, you’ll not be done

You’ll rise so long as the sun has rays

You’ll rise so long as the sun has rays

You’ll rise so long as the sun has rays

And only set when the Rays have son.”

NARRATOR

You’ll rise so long as the sun has rays

And only set when the Rays have son.

Well Ray thought that sounded mighty fair -

A heavenly answer to his despair.

He bowed in praise, swore his faith blindly

Which, for gods, is legally binding

Ran down to town to his deep fried peacock eye food cart

In an hour he’d sold out, he was the talk of the town, his food a work of art!

And it grew and it grew and it grew and it grew

And Ray learned the secret that the Gods all knew

And he used them to create a new empire

Food that’s fun served fast, with cheer

Paired with a casual atmosphere

Fills all with food, yes, true, but too - delight!

People could not get enough

They came to get their faces stuffed

How nice! … for Ray…

The gods of food and drink were forgot

Edesia too, it seems her plot

Backfired.

And Ray looked down over all he commanded

By his death, to 1042 locations had he expanded

And as the ages changed, so did Ray’s descendants menus

As they took the empire to new, exciting venues

The Visigoth Grill, Crusader’s Crudo

Pita the Great, Dynasty Noodles

The Original Scythian Style Pub

Bennigans, Arby’s and Stubbie’s Subs

Mongol Flay It Yourself Easy Horse

And on and on til present day, of course.

And the most powerful chain on down that line

Was the Ray’s Pizza Franchise

Featuring Real Ray’s, Original Ray’s, Real Original Ray’s

Famous Ray’s, Infamous Ray’s and Ray’s of other Names

From the first Ray’s cart, this chain had continued

And you could still order peacock eyes off the secret menu.

And they ruled all the franchises with an iron fist

Ah - but how did Ray’s have heirs, if Ray’s never did have kids…?

Listen to this:

Oh it was all part of Edesia’s promise

Which was so poorly thought out it was almost comic

The contract was written up by the best lawyer of the time

Marcus Legislatus, and the print was very fine

As his wife had written it all by hand

And Marcus had married the most beautiful cricket in all the land!

But we don’t have time for that part!

What matters is the deal at this vile contract’s heart:

The Ray to Play Stipulation…

…which stated

That any chain restaurant whose owner mated

Forfeited their first born child to the Rays

Or they handed in their restaurants - either way, they all paid.

And the chains turned over became the Ray’s

And the children turned over - well, the Ray’s they became

Many chains tried to avoid this doom:

Ray Kroc hid his son in a Grimace costume

Papa John put Baby John in a basket of reeds

Dave Thomas sent Wendy to live in a tree

But each was found out, and each child was claimed

And through old, evil magic, was changed to a Ray…

Mama chef, papa chef, RUN! Hide your child away.

Look how the Rays come, on the 5th birthday of,

Oh!, what you most love, they’re gonna take away, and,

Oh!, what you most love -They’re gonna make a Ray.

They’ll file in, eat up all that you’ve got

And you must feed them your best - whether you wanna or not.

Then when they’re done - oh! - that’s when you give ‘em either

The first child of your blood, or all of your franchises

All that you’ve built, oh!, is it worth the pain

Worth all the guilt - oh - to see your child a Ray?

Many parents chose of course their child to keep

But many a chef was overcome with greed

And that’s how the Rays stayed on top of the game

And that about brings us up to date.

So now you may be keen

To the fear that chilled GG

When Mel

Said that she was with son…

All he’d made, all he’d created

Was to crumble lest he gave their

Son…

What was to be done…

GOLDEN GEORGE

My dear please dry your tears

You’ve nought to fear for our son’s life…

Let the Rays take all I’ve made,

I promise I won’t contemplate

The trade of child for franchise…

NARRATOR

Well, Triple M was overjoyed

But you and me, we know our boy

GG’s not the sort

To sell himself short

He doesn’t give - he takes!

And he’d fight, he might even tempt fate…

Sure he’d changed his ways,

But to give up everything he’d made?? it-

Was a thought that repulsed him, everything he hated.

Well GG Jr came short months later

And his parents love - well, it couldn’t have been greater

And though GG’d been conflicted on what was to be done.

He’d greatly underestimated how much he’d love his son.

GOLDEN GEORGE

Feel how his smile calms me

See how his hands are strong

He’ll be flipping frying pans before too long!

God, he’s such a nat’ral!

See him with that spatula!

One day all that I’ve made will be… no…

NARRATOR

Yes…

And two weeks before lil G turned 5

A letter came in the mail, said “It’s Time.

We march your way in 14 days.

Prepare our feast. Signed, the Rays.”

Outside there was a storm, but there was a knock at the door

GG turned and saw dripping on his floor

A chef, clad all in mauve

How’d the man get inside? GG worried this was bad

But the chef simply smiled and acted as if he had

All the answers in the world. And GG eased, suddenly calm.

He offered the Mauve Chef a drink, but then the chef dropped a bomb:

He looked GG in the eye

And the Mauve Chef said:


MAUVE CHEF

“I can save your son

Save all that you’ve done

But you must be brave,

No matter the pain

And do as I say.”

To be continued…