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1. |
Two Felt Friends
01:53
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TWO FELT FRIENDS
FELT TROOPERS
Two felt friends!
We’ve those guys!
Just like all the other guys.
Don’t have feelings that we hide!
We’re just two felt friends.
On patrol-a
On a roll-a
We’ll solve every crime until we meet our quota!
TROOPER 2
Hold my hand!
TROOPER 1
Nah I’m ok!
FELT TROOPERS
We’re just two felt friends!
TROOPER 1
Remember Back at the academy?
TROOPER 2
Whoa! That’s ancient history!
TROOPER 1
Day one we were the closest of pals!
I let you cheat off my tests, take claim for my arrests!
TROOPER 2
And I was always watching you sleep!
TROOPER 1
You’re still my best amigo, and anywhere that we go
Is the place where the bad guys don’t wanna go!
TROOPER 2
Hey! For you best buddy, I’d kill anyone in custody
Who says I have feelings for you!
FELT TROOPERS
Two felt friends!
We’re a set!
Whether goofin’ on the job - or beating up suspects!
Or threatening kids or hiding evidence!
We’re just two felt friends! We’re just two felt friends!
TROOPER 1
The sun is shining yarn rays!
TROOPER 2
How does yarn make light? No one can say!
FELT TROOPERS
Don’t ask us! It makes us uneasy!
And when we’re uneasy we shoot.
We’re a pair - bad guys beware!
We’re rough and tough and never scared!
TROOPER 2
But what if we were honest even just for a -
TROOPER 1
Nope!
FELT TROOPERS
Two felt friends!
We’ve those guys!
Just like all the other guys.
Don’t have feelings that we hide!
We’re just two felt friends.
We’re just two felt friends.
We can make the world better
So long as we’re together
And swallowing the truth that we fear!
Hey! Who let THIS jerk in here?? ha!
We’re just two felt friends!
We’re just two felt friends!
We’re really telling yah!
We’re just two felt friends!
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2. |
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FELTINA
A flick of the wrist and a lick of the lash
Turns what’s tuff into mush, turns their fire into ash
A little pain spread over hours and hours
Is a most useful tool in service to a higher power
Sometimes you gotta kill something to make something feel better
Yeah, sometimes you gotta kill something to make something feel better
So settle in, let’s begin, you should know
I’m nothing if not…
Thorough.
The crack of a rib or the loss of a toe
And suddenly I know what I wanted to know
And when that look in their eyes stirs a pity that lingers
I just - cut it off, as though it were any old finger, cuz
You gotta kill some things to make some things feel better.
Yeah, sometimes you gotta kill something to make something feel better
Better, yeah!
I know my place, I know I’m a tool
Serving his fuzzy grace, as he sees fit to use me
PROFESSOR Y
And what’s it like when you go home at night?
Do you nuzzle his photo and hold it so tiiIIII-
FELTINA
Quiet.
If you must know, I go home to my wife
She looks me in the eye and -
I mean to say she asks how my day went
I can’t speak - she’s patient, she -
Expects the best, what she sees I can’t see
I killed that part of me
Sometimes you gotta kill something to make something feel better
Sometimes you gotta kill something to make something feel better
Sometimes you gotta kill something to make something feel better
Sometimes you gotta kill something to make something feel better!
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3. |
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EVERYTHING YOU KNOW IS A LIE
PROFESSOR Y
What is it you believe, that makes what you do right?
You serve a higher purpose poisoning your mind
Spit out what they’re feeding you
Before it takes your life
Cuz everything you know is a
Everything you know is a lie!
Pardon my disbelief in a power so great
It would ask you to kill, it would need you to ma’am
Servicing a cause that’s taking freedoms away
With a binary conflict as the even exchange
We are both killers here
I don’t seek to pacify
But if all we’ve got is Fuzz v Tooth
You gotta stop and wonder why
It’s time to find who benefits
When we are at war all the time
Cuz everything you know is a
Everything you know is a lie!
Yeah, everything’s a lie!
Can’t tell you just who got it wrong
Not now that it’s gone on for so long
All we can do is try and get it right
Seek out the truth, break from the lie.
What is it you believe - what makes what you do right?
What do you truly see as the value of a life?
Repeat after me:
Everything you know is a
FELTINA
Everything I know is a
PROFESSOR Y
Everything you know is a lie..
FELTINA
Everything I know is a lie…
PROFESSOR Y
Everything you know is a lie..
FELTINA
Everything I know is a
Everything I know is a
Everything I know is a lie…
PROFESSOR Y
A tooth for a tooth, a button eye for eye
We can’t be toothless but we shouldn’t be blind
That tremor in your hand, before you give me a dose
That’s the you that is real, not the one they control
FELTINA
Is anything worth serving
If it’s killing you inside?
PROFESSOR Y
No!
BOTH
Everything you know is a
Everything you know is a lie!
Lie!
Is a lie!
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4. |
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NARRATOR
Ah! I see that you’ve returned!
And just in time, for, as we’ve learned,
GG has found a strange stranger visitin’
Yes, out from the storm and into his kitchen:
A handsome man, from head to toe
Dressed as a chef, colored in mauve
The color awarded chefs of the highest order
For all he’d accomplished? GG was but turquoise
There he stood, dripping wet
And in the calm, he calmly said
NARRATOR AS MAUVE CHEF
“Golden George, hear me this day.
Your son and all you’ve made - I’ll save.
I’m no friend of Rays - those swine.
They’ve stolen plenty that was mine.
But I’ve a plan to bring them down
If you’ll trust in me and hear me out.
You’ll have your son and all you’ve made
If you do exactly as I say.”
NARRATOR
GG’s mind raced, he blinked and
He expected the Mauve Chef to fade - a vision.
But there he stood! Smiling, teeth glistening…
Now, GG had sworn to Triple M he’d be sane
And deliver the franchise as promised to the Rays
That was the safest plan, the plan that saved their son
But now… he could have both?? That was a deal to be done…
GOLDEN GEORGE
You got a deal there mister!
NARRATOR AS MAUVE CHEF
Yeah!
GOLDEN GEORGE
You swear this plan will work?
NARRATOR AS MAUVE CHEF
I swear.
Help me - I’ll guarantee you’ll
Get all you deserve!
Come! You get the oven going
And bring your boy to help
GOLDEN GEORGE
Wait-
NARRATOR AS MAUVE CHEF
It’s time he learned the business
I’ll need more help than just yourself
NARRATOR
And so the days went
GG and son did toil
While this Mauve Chef brought
Every tub of oil to boil
His recipes were stunning
Little GG watched, amazed
Mauve took the menu and he
Elevated every taste
Haha - that made big GG a little jealous, it did
But what did it more had to do with his kid…
GOLDEN GEORGE
This chef, he swore to me
He would save my restaurant and my family
Now he’s changed every dish
And I don’t like the way that little G idolizes him…
NARRATOR
Little G and Mauve had grown close, it was true
The boy was entranced by anything the chef would do
And for a chef like GG, this was maddening
To be bested in his own kitchen, his own son his rival flattering
GOLDEN GEORGE
What is this showoff trying
To prove? My recipes are giants
And he’s simply deep-frying
On their shoulders….
I’ll get the best of him
GG Scrumptious always wins
He can’t make a fool of me -
This Mauve joker.
NARRATOR AS MAUVE
Hi.
GOLDEN GEORGE
Ah! Hello. I didn’t see you there.
Just checking the pantry - making sure we’re prepared.
Would hate to have anything missing, let’s see
Plenty of breadcrumbs, that’s good!-
NARRATOR AS MAUVE
Neat. GG…
I worry now that perhaps I was too hasty
I saw a man without a plan to save his fam’ly
I saw a chance to beat the clan that we both hate, see?
But now I fear that my best judgement has betrayed me
GOLDEN GEORGE
I was just counting napkins you must have misheard.
NARRATOR AS MAUVE
Oh, Georgie, my dear, I heard every word.
Now…
Promise me, you’ll listen close.
There’s a good boy.
You need me or your restaurant’s finito
GOLDEN GEORGE
You need me too - I’m still working on the reason tho
NARRATOR AS MAUVE
I need you because the Rays are on there way
You are the bait - let’s get that straight,
Cuz I’ve another point to make:
George, I’ve waited too long to have my plans dashed by some twerp
(That’s you)
There’s only one chance we’ll have to make this work
My way or out of it, comprende?
Now promise me you’ll listen and you’ll do as I say.
I’ll make a feast
To end the Rays
So, I need to know that you’re gonna behave
For the sake of your son
You will take not a bite
Now promise me this little thing and promise that you’ll do it just right.
GOLDEN GEORGE
…I promise.
NARRATOR
And so it came! The day the Rays would claim what was their right
A grand parade, that swayed and aimed at GG’s gates it’s sights
The procession of the Rays, drunk on power, hungry for a bite
The procession of the Rays, at GG’s door… it had arrived
Meanwhile in the kitchen, the team was at the bellows
The flames in the macaroni oven glowed blue and red and yellow
GOLDEN GEORGE
Too hot,
NARRATOR
GG thought, for his specialty macaroni
GOLDEN GEORGE
This Mauve Chef must know best, but what if he’s baloney?
If he’s wrong, my son’s gone, my business dies.
NARRATOR
He thought to himself as he cheesed the gravy fries.
But the Mauve Chef didn’t sweat, he was calm to the extreme
As he prepped the banquet for the Rays, like something from a dream
Pan friend hand pies, and flash fried pork thighs piled high
And always, eager little GG, beaming by his side
GOLDEN GEORGE
He claims he’ll save my son,
But what will I have lost when we’ve won this trick?
He’s enchanted him,
Little G fulfills his ever whim - it makes me sick.
What’s grand about a man who no one knows the name of?
All that I’ve made for all to taste’s made my name famous!
What has he done? To earn G’s love? This is outrageous!
God damn that son of a gun, I’ll see him fall before we’re done.
NARRATOR
GG seethed, he lost himself in hate
But then - the bell. Here were the Rays.
The head Ray - Real Original - greeted GG at the door
NARRATOR AS THE RAYS
Reservation for 86, soon to be one more!
NARRATOR
He said with a nasty smirk -
That pizza making jerk
GOLDEN GEORGE
We have a special night prepared.
Not a single flourish has been spared.
Please come and take your seats.
I’ll announce my decision at the end of the feast
NARRATOR
These words that he recited, the Mauve Chef had written
And GG snuck a glance at him, standing by the kitchen
The Chef nodded, pleased, then left for the prep station
He scooted Little G ahead of him, to help with preparations
And the Rays took their seats
And sang for their feast!
NARRATOR AS THE RAYS
We are the Rays! Since ancient days
We have ruled o’er feasts and fun!
We are the Rays, and it’s time that you paid
With your franchise or your son!
Our ways are blessed, by the goddess that’s best
Edesia, second to none!
We’ll rule as long as the sun has rays
Only setting when the Rays have son!
So come and feed us with your finest
Let us see just what this franchise
Has to offer to our dynasty!
Serve us Scrumptious, don’t be shy, it
Might be by night’s end you find us
In…
Your Family!
NARRATOR
And they laughed in a haughty tone
As they smiled from their franchise throne.
And G.G. filled up every glass
Took their orders, served the apps
Deep fried butter and draft beer from the taps
And the Rays drank long and ate and ate and ate
And G.G. looked toward the kitchen hoping to avoid his fate
Through the window the mauve chef diced, sliced, and juillianned
Everything according to his imperceptible plan.
And in the oven, there, he’d placed
The macaroni, let it bake…
G.G. wiped sweat from his brow and watched what transpired -
Was it the heat or the fear that caused him to perspire?
Then, finally, in a great wave of the paddle
The Mauve chef removed the macaroni from the oven’s crackle.
Cheese and Noodles steamed the air
The Rays all stopped and stared
And they began snapping and calling for the dish –
And the Mauve chef put it before them and said “As you wish.”
GOLDEN GEORGE
How they salivate, they cannot wait, they are entranced
But this, is not my dish, this dish is his, it’s of his hands
I know, it’s not my goal, to win their favor
But to know, that in those bowls, he’s stolen
What I made with all my gifts
And taken it for his, the faker…
NARRATOR
The Rays devoured every plate placed in front of them
Demanding seconds, thirds and fourths, even higher numbers and
They were filled with wonderment, and plenty of noodles
As they called for more, poor GG stewed - it was brutal.
Perhaps he didn’t know how much he needed approval
Needed to be reminded he was great, and not useless
Well my pupils, you all know that vice is called “Hubris”
And if GG knew this, he’d forgotten, his stomach knotted
Listening as the whispers started -
NARRATOR AS THE RAYS
How far GG’s fallen. After showing such promise
He couldn’t have cooked this - it’s beyond him
Must be the work of the Mauve-robed shaman
GG hired help! He ordered out! How’s that for rock bottom!
GOLDEN GEORGE
Hear them as they jeer, their judgement clear, they think me nothing
That chef, he set me up, he stole my stuff, to see me suffer
But how, could my finest chow, be put to shame?
That chef, with out a name has taken
What I made with all my gifts
Stolen it for his, and left
Me with nothing but the mess
Why did I let him in what was I thinking?
How good can that food be anyway?
I worked for years to perfect my bake.
Scoured 3 continents for the appropriate cheeses
Why does my dish lack while his so pleases?
He’s no genius, that weasel. I’m not to be treated
Like a servant in my own restaurant, defeated.
What makes, what makes, this taste so great
What miracle of mac rests upon this plate.
I… shouldn’t. But that breading, that crust…
I shouldn’t . … but I must.
NARRATOR
And he took a bite.
It’s the most delicious thing he’s ever tasted.
…
And then there was a laugh that cut the room.
The Rays all turned their eyes glinting in the gloom.
Crumbs in the mustaches, sneers on their faces –
Their pants all unbuttoned their shoes even unlaced.
NARRATOR AS THE RAYS
Who dares to laugh at the great cabal of Rays?
We’ll see that this mirthful joker pays!
NARRATOR
At the kitchen’s maw, the Mauve Chef stood tall
He bellowed a laugh and smiled at them all
NARRATOR AS MAUVE CHEF
Bet you’re wondering what’s
Got this giggle in my gut
Put this wiggle in my strut
While I’m showing you up
Well let me tell you what:
But first maybe I’ll
Leave this costume behind
I Am Bacchus Divine!
THE God of wine
And party time!
I’ve always hated you Rays
Since that fateful day
Edesia stole our ways
Of making drinks and tastes.
And just gave em away
Hope you had your fun
Cuz your time is done
Cuz today is the day
That the Rays get stunned
The empire decays
And your ways get shunned
Cuz today is the day that the Rays
Had a son!
NARRATOR
And with that he revealed his epic troll –
And tossed onto the table - Lil GG’s skull.
And then the Rays realized right there
That they had eaten son, prepared
Via the burning macaroni oven bake
And they Rays became to scream, vomit, and quake!
They’d been tricked, via a prophetic loophole
They’d lost their empire, they felt it in their soul.
They scrambled like rats, their empire crashing –
Pizza joints closing, slices going unsold, windows smashing!
The curse upon franchises was broken, and the Ray’s were truly hosed!
All the pieces of my- I mean,
Bacchus’s plans were falling like Domino’s pizza brand dominoes.
Now,
GG grabs Bacchus and slams him hard
GOLDEN GEORGE
YOU KILLED MY SON FOR SOME CANARD!??
You lied to me, you used me, destroyed me
NARRATOR
But Bacchus shushed him, said
NARRATOR AS BACCHUS
Don’t be so noisy.
Did I not promise you
To save your restaurant, and your family too?
You did as I requested
Now see that son that they ingested
Be resurrected!
NARRATOR
And with a wave of his wrist and a flick of his finger
Something amazing happened, a real hum-dinger.
All the Ray’s vomit swirled and Lil G was reborn a new –
As this boy took shape around the skull and regrew –
And Bacchus said –
NARRATOR AS BACCHUS
From death comes life and life from death
And Little G is back to take his first reborn breathe –
NARRATOR
The boy smiled, but then he sputter, he could not speak
For in his center - he was missing one, bite-sized piece.
Oh, no… tsk tsk tsk
The bite, the bite, the bite, the bite, that G.G. was forbidden to chew
Now his son couldn’t breath, he turned blue
And I turned to GG and he turned to… me
And I just shook my head, what fools humans can be…
You couldn’t wait one single meal to take a bite
You’ve cost a deal you’ve cost a life
Oh, what will you tell your wife? Right?
Oh what an ego on this fellow here before me
Demands justice, begs for mercy,
That’s one gory price for glory - GG
Come arise my boy
You are not for this world
Little G will come with me
And shuffle off this mortal coil
And as for you, you poor poor fool:
G.G. Scrumptious your fast casual eatery shall become the greatest chain
With locations from Zanzibar to Key West to wintery Maine!
Your macaroni shall becomes more famous than the Whopper or Big Mac.
But here’s where I hit you with a classic God style smack!
Your wife will leave you, inconsolable, destroyed
That you valued anything above your precious little boy
You shall have no heirs and your famous dish –
Shall now be called MANcaroni because each and every delish
Bite will have a small sprinkling of your son on top to crisp the crust
And you can’t stop it you’ll be powerless to watch the masses lust
For the mancaroni, eating your son in front of you night after night
And then you’ll become a ghost and haunt this restaurant site.
But let’s not say I’m not kind in my own awesome Bacchus way
They’ll be an end to your suffering eventually one strange day –
After the world becomes weird due to a bomb – don’t’ ask – it’s crazy
There will come 2 people to your restaurant, one stoic, one lazy.
And I will allow this oven that once took a life to restore another
And when you do that good deed, I release you, Scrumptious.
But until that day
Such is your fate
So buckle down
Your son’s the chow
These people crave
Pan after pan
Again and again
Watch them eat your kid
As you once did
Cuz you couldn’t obey
Cuz you’re an egotist
Now enjoy the show,
I really got to go -
Thanks for the kicks!
Hahahaha!
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5. |
Fast Casual Heaven
01:50
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FAST CASUAL HEAVEN
GHOST G.G.
They say…
There’s a place you can go
Just for regular joes
when your heart gives out from ranch sauce overload
See every moment you lived
In walls of celestial kitsch
Where the service is nice, the menu infinite
And I say:
If you wanna spend eternity in
A place with shakes and fries and ample seating
Grab some wings and ascend to
Fast Casual Heaven
And ah-ooo Feel no pain or loss
As you sample the slider flights
And ah-ooo They’ve got every sauce
So dip to your soul’s delight
And ah-ooo You ought-a try
The onion Ring of Rings they
Fried for your sins, they’re
Great as an app or a side
So grab your pie in the sky
Can’t miss the neon sign
One cloud over from St. Peter’s Dollar Slice
The bathroom’s always clean
The table tops are pristine
The parfait comes with sacramint chip ice cream
So let’s go
To the place where you can eat your blessin’s
And never worry about indigestion
Where your order’s ready in a second
Because the waitstaff there is omnipresent
Where my sins are finally forgiven
Up where my boy’s been waiting, ever patient
To see his papa again
Fast Casual Heaven
Finally, I ascend
to Fast Casual Heaven
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6. |
Backwards
02:20
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BACKWARDS
FUZZO
Look in the sky
And see the starlight burning bright
And know you’re looking far far back in time
The light is centuries old, it’s just like time - you cannot hold it, but
You adjust your fuzz-o-scope
Time slipping from your grasp
Looking forward’s always looking back
Try to spy a reason, search for something to believe in
Backwards, we long to go
To feel a thing we barely know
Backwards to find a place
Before the pain of our mistakes
Backwards and far away
And falling farther from today
Eyes turned and unaware
The farther you go, the less that you know, the older you grow.
There’s nothing for me back there
That’s why all I have’s my plans
Tho the further I go, the less sure I am
Seems like the key to living’s living tip there’s nothing left
Is that why living feels like theft?
The past at our heels, stealing all our bests.
Backwards, no place for me
A waste for me, a trap.
Backwards, why wish to be
When there’s no going back
Backwards, to miss a place
To feel a sense of home
Backwards, would it be ok?
If we could go back, if we could go-
Do they think we’d be happy?
Could that make things right?
Do they think we’d be happy (maybe we could be happy)?
Tracing back the light
Do you think you’d be happy
If we could go, if we could go
Backwards.
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7. |
The Fight of the Century
03:15
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FIGHT OF THE CENTURY
RAGTIME SAM
It’s finally happening
Right here in New Jersey!
The greatest question there’s been:
Man versus Horse - who would win?
Settled tonight in the ring!
Celebrities fill the stands
F Scott and Zelda dance!
Jack Benny jokes with Astaire
Some say Truman is there
But disguised as a bear!
Why?
This is the Fight of the Century!
You’ll say “you just had to be there!”
This is The Fight of the Century!
No, nothing will ever compare
To The Fight of the Century!
To The Fight of the Century!
The murmurs grow and the undercard fails to ease the tension
Joey Butts fights an oak tree - wins by split decision
The lights are dimmed, you could hear a pin, as the moment breathless hangs in the air
A spotlight glares, man and horse are there!
When did they enter the ring?
The crowd explodes as the bell begins to sing!
Round One!
Sea biscuit lands a hoof
Land Biscuit shakes it off
There they stand, proud and bright
To the crowds great delight
Trading lefts, trading rights
But then the lights slam on!
Police have stormed the hall!
They try to stop the match
That’s when the crowd attacks!
The night erupts in a brawl!
Wow!
This is the Fight of the Century!
Man punched horse and horse punched man!
This is The Fight of the Century!
Cops getting hits in where and whenever they can
This is The Fight of the Century!
This is The Fight of the Century!
Arrests are made as people try to escape by private zeppelin
The promoters eat the money in hopes of destroying the evidence
Some say a bear ate an entire man before the secret service took him away
It wasn’t until the light of day
That the survivors surveyed
The aftermath of the fray
And saw on the stage this tender display:
A man in horse in embrace!!
Tongue on tongue and hoof and hand on face
Why?
This is the Fight of the Century!
Horse and man loved man and horse!
This is The Fight of the Century!
Never underestimate the passion and power of Sport
Such is The Fight of the Century!
This was The Fight of the Century!
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8. |
Dumb Hippy Song
02:08
|
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DUMB HIPPY SONG
When I was young I knew the world was wrong
Because old folks were stuck in their ways
And when I’m old I’ll know the problem’s because
Young folk had more respect in our day
People tell me I’m right
My echo chamber don’t lie
Because I only discuss
Things with people I like
Yeah! I got it figured out.
Gonna tell you how it’s gotta be
I done some thinking and I know what to change:
The problem is with everyone except for me.
It doesn’t matter if your fuzz or flesh
I thought I was a fish for a week
But I was just stuck in my bath tub
Struck dumb from smoking PCP
You gotta open your mind
Unless you hate what you hear
Then close your mind up again
Before they sneak in your ears
With a scary idea!
Yeah! I got it figured out.
Gonna tell you how it’s gotta be
I done some thinking and I know what to change:
The problem is with everyone except for me.
Yeah! I got it figured out.
Gonna tell you how it’s gotta be
I done some thinking and I know what to change:
The problem is with everyone except for me.
Yeah! I got it figured out.
Gonna tell you how it’s gotta be
I done some thinking and I know what to change:
The problem is with everyone except for me.
The problem is with everyone except for me.
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Podmusical New York
THE FALL OF THE HOUSE OF SUNSHINE is a serialized comedy musical podcast.
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